All of my life one of my biggest fears was disappointing others. I worked really hard as a teenager to live up to the expectations that the adults, friends, and my parents had set for me. I also struggled with the idea of not meeting those expectations. I thought that I would eventually grow out of that but I haven’t. As a teenager, I tried be perfect because that was what I thought was expected of me. It eventually wore me out and I acted out in rebellion. I still struggle with this idea. I guess the fact that I am suppose to be a role model to the teenagers and children in my life doesn’t help. I also seem to want my friends to see this “ideal” Jennie too but lately it has been too much for me. Last week , someone said the worst possible thing to me and I think that it hurt me so bad that I realized that I can only be me.
I was told that I wasn’t being Christ-like. It hurt me so bad that I wanted to die at the moment. I know the person didn’t mean to hurt me so bad but I took that as them saying that I was disappointing them. Over the last year or so, I have really worked on being honest about my feelings. Hiding my feelings only sets me back on this whole “perfect” mask that I struggle with. But the people with whom I have been upset with and have been honest with my feelings on a certain subject have made me feel as though my feelings are not valid. After sharing my thoughts on the subject and hearing that comment, I really felt bad. Maybe I am being harsh and maybe I am not making God happy with my feelings. Maybe my attitude is disappointing to others. This whole struggle has been like a war in my heart over the last several weeks. I think it is beginning to have affect on the decisions I make and I am not sure how to fix it. The situation has changed and that might add a little ease but we will see.
I guess my conclusion is that as a human, I am bound to fail and disappoint people. I have to learn how to live with that and learn how not to set high expectations for others in return. I am thankful that I serve a forgiving God who didn’t require me to be perfect in order to spend eternity with Him. I would have never made it! I also have learned that everyone has feelings. And their feelings are valid even if I don’t feel the same way or agree with them. I can’t make someone feel like I do, God made us all different. I can however try to show respect to their feelings and listen to them. Ok, I am done. This is the week that everything will be so much better…I can feel it!
Jennie, I think if you were to start asking people about it, you would find that you are not alone in your struggle. In fact, I would venture to say that everybody struggles with the urge to be perfect and please other people at least sometimes. I know I do. And I think that’s okay. I think it shows that a deep desire exists within you to do what’s right. Just don’t let it get you down too much when you are ever so gently reminded that you’re not quite perfect yet. That day will come, just not here, not now.
I happen to know for a fact that this week is going to be better for you…you get to hang out with us! It doesn’t get any better than that!
See you Thursday!
There’s always the struggle between who we really are and who we want to be and also how people perceive us. We just want to be ourselves and let people see the real us, warts included, but when we do it tends to backfire. I remember trying to open up to people before about struggles and that’s usually when I had rocks flying at my head. So, it causes people to put on a front so others don’t think we have struggles. It even caused me to get out of ministry.
I think through it all, it did something good in me. It made me give people a break. I realize that most people struggle with things, not just me. I think if we were all honest about our true struggles, everyone would be shocked. So, I’m not shocked anymore. If someone falls down from something you never thought they’d do, it doesn’t surprise me anymore. I feel pity now instead of contempt. I understand that we all have dark potential.
One thing it does show you is who your real friends are. They are the ones that stick beside you and see the good in you no matter what happens. So, feel free to be yourself no matter what your feelings are. One good side effect of that is that people who do struggle with being human (and we all do)will feel more comfortable opening up to you if they know you can understand.
But, now I’m just rambling. Probably a side effect from the painkillers.
Jen, For anyone to say that something you do or say is not “Christ-like” needs to examine their own life!!!
well jennie, over the years i have realized something. it is very hard for others to be as good as i am. i find it so easy. but i know for people like you who arnt me i may over shadow you a bit, and make you feel like your not good enough. but thats not my fault. lol. i am bored. i used to tell my rents that i was the best son they could have ever had. then i would look at them and say “well there was jesus and well i guess moses, no, no, he killed a man” so i guess it is just jesus then me. lol.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice guys…you are all so awesome. Rich, Can I just say that I laughed really loud while reading your comments. You are funny.
Jenny, Knowing our faults and self-doubts is the first step in overcoming them. Wanting to please others is often an outcoming of being raised in the church. Just remember, please God first. If you have that priority set it’s easier to remember and realize that pleasing others may NOT be pleasing God.
1 John 1.7
Thanks for leaving a comment Mr. Pete. It is so awesome to get back in touch with you guys. Me & Smiley (Jonathan Pucket) were just talking about you!
For all of you who don’t have a picture on your comment, check out my blog in the May Archives. I think it was titled, For Theida and all my other non-pictured friends. It will explain how to add a picture to your comments:)